A Morbid Child With a Heart of Gold

i know i havent been on here in forever and a day, but i have an other lj...and i use that one more b/c its hwere i post all of me poetry n sterf. also, if anyone wants to know, my cuz Bethany just created an lj. if you want hersn on here its cherriefaerie2 but, its a friends only, so tell me, and i'll tell her that you wanna talk to her n sterf. *muah*

A girl died in 1933 by a homicidal murderer. He buried her in the ground when she
was still alive. The murdered chanted, "Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now
that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of
the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was
suffocated. If you post this, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be
rewarded.

JUST IN CASE!...

Well, i wonke up at like 1.30 this morning so congested i couldnt breathe lying down (and its really fucking hard to sleep sitting up). I wasnt hung over, i barely got nauseous (sp?)...then, around 6 i decided to eat some breakfast....bad idea...i was running a fever & threw up everything (it sucked ass). since then, ive been running a fever on and off all day and i still thorw up if i eat anything besides broth. and ive also been in and out of sleep.

i know why i got so drunk so fast last night....the meds im on for my headaches increases the affects of alochol by 2...i think i had, what....10 or so Shirmoff and a bit of wine and some Kaluha (or however the hell you spell it). i dont really remember what i did after i got home...i do remember trying to knit...and now a word from the wise: dont try to knit whe you are drunk, it looks like shit. lol. ive had to redo everthing that i did yesterday. i also found out that i called chris (which i dont remember doing...well, i thot i was dreaming....so ....yea.) also, i tried calling Sissy last night. i'm am so fucking happy that her phone was dead...she would have murdered me. i think i called Megan...but i dont know if i was dreaming or if i really did call her....i remember "My crotch looks pretty through the bottom if the bottle." and "have you been head raped lately" and of course our crazy knitting circle lol. and it was fucking hilarious when Jani's fam attacked her...i swear, if someone on the street would have heard that, the police would have been called!!

well, aside from this weekend, life has been pretty much boring. ive been studying my ass off for exams (speaking of which, momma said she might not let me go to school tomorrow...but i NEED to take my exams). also, i got to see Roni...i love her so much! and i LOVE the present she got me...and yes angie, i know know it is a sock...not a hat...lmao (next time i try to drink...shoot me...im such a fucking dumbass when im drunk!)anyway, last night i slept w/ the froggie that roni got me...oh, Jani...i think you nearly broke my finger last night when Roni and i were tickling you....i still can barely move it...i dont remember it hurting this much last night tho....well, im tired of typing and im going to go back to sleep *hugs to all*

i know i havent posted in forever ness, but ive been hella busy, or just too tired. even now, i can barely stay awake. but i know that if i fall asleep now, i will get up at like 2 am or something. im so tired i want to cry. i cant even work on Nate's story.....that just sad. Oh, Roni, we might get to go to Ren Fest this weekend, and (if at all possible and if you get this in time) i wanted to know if you can go to Sadie's w/ me...i have to go get a form and i want you to call me w/ a yea or nay....fuck...i just realized something...you wont be able to sign it in time *glares at everyone and everything* damn it damnit damn it damnit!!!! anyway, how has your life been? im srri the AC got killed for a bit, that must really sicked...well, imma go try to do something to help me stay awake

*hugs to all*
PoOkA!

Wheres The Bullet

He was gorgeous... brown hair hanging over his eyes... brown eyes a little place i could crawl inside and hide. he wore a tool shirt and i think i fell in love with his shirt before i fell in love with him. We use to sit back and talk about nothing just meaningless nothings brought on by the high and jack daniels and absent mindedness. I told him i did not love him when he asked and I think he understood even when my lips came crashing down on his and my world collapsed and the earth shook and my whole being exploded into a million shafts of light shape shifting into other realms where i was safe from life... and I died there in that instant that perfect moment. He use to weave me tales of sorrow and past pains of playing wheres the bullet with his father and hed sing and strum away at his guitar every moment his beautiful brown eyes gazing at me as if there was something there only he could see and he would make me nervous and I would look away still seeing him still seeing his images pasted into the back of my eyes. And i think i fell in love with his eyes his being and his whole existence before I fell in love with him. Seasons changed and months years and days passed.... and wed still get lost in moments of passion where neither would speak and id catch i love you firmly behind my teeth and lie because it was safe. In an instant things can change and lives can be crushed an a single instant I lost him my love the one who made my insides explode and tremble and shake and burn and melt and cast away into shafts of light, I lost him without ever admitting the love I felt due to stubborness and fear of rejection I lost him a year ago to the same game he would softly sing to me about the songs that seemed so beautiful and sorrow ful then. Wheres the bullet... I guess my angel finally found it.

Frozen

You are Jack the Ripper. Yours were some of the
most brutal murders recorded in history--yet
your case is still to this day unsolved. You
came from out of the fog, killed violently

i am so pissed off at jani right now. she's going on and on about how i act "superior" to others! then she tries to lecture me about me goals...im not the one that dropped out...im not the one that regularly skips school....im not the one that wants to drop out AGAIN so i can get married. maybe she wants me to be like the rest of her friends....under her thumb and bowing to her every whim. thats fucking bullshit. i serve no one! i am not a dog begging to its master, i am not a weak-willed person thats easily led. i believe what i believe and i will listen to what you have to say, but that dosent mean i have to agree. and i do not "smash down" her ideas....i listen to them, then state what i believe...since when is that wrong? oh, maybe its wrong when i'm acting "superior" to everyone (note the sarcasm). i mean, i can be a bit strong willed and i will tell someone what i think no matter what, but i still take the time to listen to others and i genuinly care....which is more than i can say about some people.

this fucking sux...i have to deal w/ a pissy nick (thank you jani for causing THAT situation), a bitchy jani, and everyone else's problms too. I wish i could just leave right now, go to hammond, get roni, and leave for ireland right this minute. things would be so much easier if that were to happen. i woudlnt have to deal with people yelling at me b/c i disagreed with what they believed.

aside from all that, its cold as fuck in here (all the windows of the house are open...). i have to do a critical essay on The Crucible by Author Miller....i have to read and annotate The Andromeda Strain in less than a month...i have the rest of my Spanish project to do (due Wednesday)...and i want to be with roni. i miss her so much its not even funny. it would rape ass if i could get to hammond right this second, knock on her door and then attack her with hugs n kisses. ive got to quite typing, i cant feel my fingers and im shivering really bad.

We just got a call.  My Uncle Don is in ICU.  He has a 100% blockage and a 95% blockage, and they think he may have ,ung cancer.  Also, my sister's super stressed out becuase she's not making enough money to pay for her appartment and her car; the only reason why she has food is because her roomamte works at a vegan resturant.  omg, i so feel like....indulging. 

Let Them Flow Once More
scars glow white-hot
burn with remembered pain
i wish to re-open them
let them flow once more

scars sear as i look as them
as if calling me to do wrong
is it a sign that i should indulge
let them flow once more

scars become more pronounced
trying to get my attention
but its working too well....
let them flow once more

I wish that i didnt feel so upset right now.  hopefully tomorrow i will be able to go somewhere with my frineds so i can forget, even if only for a little while.  Saturday, i'm still going to the fair.  Momma said i could only bring one friend b/c we're going to ride with family...momma has night blindness...i wonder if she would let Angie drive though....i told Melissa i would see if she could go...and i'll feel bad if she dosent get to go.  am i making any scence.  I wish Roni were here. I want to be in her arms.  I want to be near her...I need her right now.

I just found out that my cousin died. i found out when i got home, and i am finally calmed down enough to write about it. It's Aunt Dean & Uncle Rodger's son. I've only met him a couple of times. He was the person that drew the dragons on the poster board for me....i am so upset.....

Well, my day started out normal enough...notes in Forensic Investigations, notes in American History, reading in Spanish...then, at lunch, i tried to find Kye and couldnt.  I am getting so aggrivated at him.  he keeps avoiding me.  it sux.  methinks i no loner have a date to Homecoming. In seventh hour, i had to listen to this one girls bitch about the work we had to do (it was just a worksheet w/ 20 words....lemme tell you how hard that was *rolls my eyes*). when i got home, i got yelled at b/c there were some papers on the computer room floor (they werent even mine, but does that matter....no). I'm still annotating The Crucibl, and i hate it.  I have good enough comprehension and annotating just pisses me off. 

oh, i found out when my appt. to go to the neurologist is: December 2.  I wish i didnt have to wait that long...of course, knowing my luck, i have a brain tumor or something. I wish my headaches would just stop. they make life too damn difficult.  Plus, im getting to where i cant sleep anymore and i keep forgetting to take the valerian root.  bah!

I just cant stop thinking about what Kye is doing. I know i shouldnt dwell on it, but he could have at least told me if he didnt want to go out, or he could at least tell me he feel intimidated by me or something, but no...he just has to completely avoid me.  Damnit! why do boys (and men) evade people instead of just dealing with the problem?  it makes no sence.  i feel like ive been lied to (which i, and i think most people, hate)

At the mall saturday, i didnt want to let go of Roni. I wonder what would have happened if she had gone to angie's house with us? *sighs bitterly*

A Moment In Time
almost everything that was once fun,
now has turned a putrid shade of grey
Hiding all that could be fair and bright
Inspirations....
gone
Happiness....
gone
Pain and confusion are all that i know
as i trudge through life trying to cope
with chaos and darkness masked with false faces

well, methinks that i should stop bitching and complaing now.  Roni, revise that poem for me...i just wrote it off the top of my head.  I think it kida sux, but then again i think that all my peoms do...and you are a better writer than i, and you inspiration shall return *gives ya a hug n a kiss, holds you in my arms* i miss you.....

You're dark and moody, and someone equally dark and
slightly more psycho has taken a liking to you.
Perhaps he's intent on turning you into a
vampire. Perhaps he's actually capable of
turning you into a vampire. In any case, start
carrying around sharpened wooden stakes.


What Kind of Guy is Stalking You?
brought to you by Quizilla


is it bad when you're stalker is your dream guy??????????? LMAO!

Well, last night i crashed at 9:30, then i woke up at one in the morning and couldnt get back to sleep. At around two i started cleaning in my room; i quit cleaning at four. I think i finally went back to sleep around five, and i had to get up at eight. All day friday was spent cleaning and rearranging the living room so our new entertainment center and bookcases and out huge ass sectional couch will all fit (not that our living room is small lol). anyway, this morning i had to finish cleaning (i had to finish the kitchen and i had to work on my room & i had to clean my bathroom). Momma and Daddy got the entertainment center assembled, then got the big screen TV (now the TV dosent look lost!) yay!). Tomorrow will be spent cleaning more, assembling the book cases and getting all the books out of my room into the living room. then we have to take everything out of my room so we can move my bead against the wall (in the position my bead was when we moved in). Then the TV that was in the living room is going on my red shelves, as well as my PS2 and (hopefully) a VCR and a digital cable box. Today, after about 80% of my chores were done, Momma and Daddy allowed me to go out with my firends. I got to see Gina and Roni (i knocked over a chair in the food court running to her lmao). then, Kye, Angie, Nick and I went to angie's house and watched Taking Lives and the Rocky Horror Picture Show (Kye had never seen it). Also, Kye and i started going out *smiles* Nick and angie were all like "awww, ya'll are so cute" n sterf tee hee hee. well, i am extremely tired and i think i shall go ahead and jump in bed (after i clean it off....lol)

*hugs for all* love,
PoOkA!

I am so tired, and i have to have some blood drawn tomorrow...oohh, fun *rolls my eyes* anyways, imma go ahead and type up that poem...i dont really like the ending, but i think Roni will get what it means (and in a way, its written to you, in reply to a peom you wrote about missing us at SHS)

I walk through empty halls,
Listening for laughter that in no longer heard--
I have gone deaf to sounds of joy;
Looking for people that now belong to a different life,
I have gone blind to the sights of friendship.
I walk through empty halls,
Listening for something that no longer exists--
I have gone deaf to all but fait echoes;
Looking for something that cannot be seen,
I have gone blind except for half-seen shadows.
I walk through empty halls,
Searching for the laughter that used to ring,
Searching for the people that had to leave,
Searching for the fun i sorely miss,
Searching for the joy just beyond my reach.
I walk through empty halls,
Remembering how things were before graduation,
Remembering how much we laughed,
Remembering how much we loved each other,
Remembering how much fun we had.
I walk through empty halls,
Wishing I had more than emeory,
Wishing I could again hear laughter,
Wishing friends had not left,
Wishin i could be with them.
I walk through empty halls,
That can never again be filled,
For all is just a memory of
How High School was.

Well, what do you think? i added a couple of lines & revised some others that were in the original, but i think it turned out okay. I really want Roni's opinion, becuase she was always a better writer than me.

Angie, what would you do if you were in my situation? I mean the one between Doug and I. Jani keeps pestering me to ask him out (and i wont) and now she's going to pester him. Do you think he really does want to go out with me? I dont know what to think. Its...awkward... kinda. Anyway, what are you doing this weekend (besides bowling)? Momma said she was going to take me to the Irish Games on Sunday if the weather wasnt too bad, and then we get to go to Oktoberfest too *does a happy dance*

Roni, do you think that poem's a good one? I dont know if i like it, but it definantly how i feel...i feel like the school is empty, and that when i leave i will just have echoing memories of the fun we had...it almost seems as if thats what most of the memories of last year are, just echos of what happened. *sighs* I think i better quit before i make myself (and maybe someone else) sry. *gives ya a hug n a kiss*

Love all,
PoOkA!

Well, i finally got to go to the doc about my migrains, and we ruled out any nuralogical disorders, some serious or fatal disease and issues with sinus's. Tomorrow, i have to go to the opthomotrist (thats really fun to say! lol) and see if there something wrong with my eyes thats cousing my migrains. Meanwhile, i can have NO caffine. No coke, no tea, not even any chocolate!!! Anyway, if we find that there's nothing wrong with my eyes, I'll go back to my doctor, and i'll have to get an MRI (oh, how fun! *rolls my eyes*). Aside from that, my head is hurting like hell, I'm tired, and i still have stuff to study for. Oh well, i pretty much know what I need to for medical terminology, so i think I'll do well. Oh, i forgot; I'll be getting out of school around 1:30. PLEASE DO NOT let me forget to go to Mrs' Rhodus's room so i can get that day's assignment and take a test. Damn. I'll miss my medial terminology test. *Laughs* This means, that in seventh hour, I have missed 4 yests this year (so far) lol. I only had one more to make up (we just do make-up work right in class), but now i have 2. I shall see if i can maybe take it instead of watching the video in forensic investigations. Hopefully i will be able to. Angie, i'm never going to get the chance to finish my note, so i'll just give you the notebook tomorrow. I've just been to goddamnned busy. Roni, I'm glad that you are getting a recorder, and (if you had the money) its always good to have a lap-top in college. Hell knows i wish i could type up my notes in class as the teachers talking. I write and type slower than i think, but i do at least type faster than i write. Anyway, I'm going to go to bed. I am really tired. *gives everyone hugs & a kiss to Roni*

Love all,
PoOkA!

P.S- I wrote a poem the other day in class, once i finish editing it, i'll put it up here. You'll love it, Roni! In fact, it is kind of about you (in a good way =P)^_^

bah! i have had a really busy weekend. friday and saturday, i had a yard sale (i made about $80--sepnt about $22 on Daddy's b-day present, and the i bought Drop Dead Fred, and i paid momma back. so, now i have about $30) oh, anyone that's never seen Drop Dead Fred needs to vome over to watch it, it so funny! yesterday, after i ate luch, i took a 3 hour nap. I was in bed and asleep by 10. i was so tired, i couldnt even read. ashley spent the night with me thursday night and helped me with the yard sale friday morning (we got up a 5:30, and set everything up). besides ashley, i dont thinki have talked to or seen any of my friends this weekend, i havent had the time. i got to see sissy today. we're trying to decide on where we can send momma and daddy for christmas. there's a natural spa in arkansas (or something like that) and we are trying to figure out how much it would cost to send them there for a long weekend. i mean, i went to germany, and they bought sissy a laptop....both of which were not cheap, so we could at least try to do something nice for them. hopefully, my necklaces and stuff will start selling so i can start saving for their christmas present. i also need to save up so i can get my friends presents. unless i just make then necklaces or something. which is better, something that is bought, or something that is made? i would go with made, but i dont know if everyone would like the necklaces. well, im going to go kay down and read some before i go to sleep.

Roni, i hope you are doing okay, and please do invest in a recorder. it will make life a bit easier. i love you! *hugs n kisses*

*hugs for all*
PoOkA

i feel so sick right now. i feel all nausiated (spell?) angie's asleep on the couch, and im listening to the end of Eurotrip. i wish i could be with you, Roni, i miss you ssooo much! ive been worried about chris lately...hes all depressed n sterf, and he dosent want to talk to anyone about it. he just keeps letting thigns build. then, i reminded him that he's always told me to let my emotions out...now he understands that its easier said than done. imma go lay down...hopefully i dont get anymore sick than i already am. vah this sucks!

is this me or wat?!?!?!

SadoMasochism
Pain is your thing. You probably are tattooed or pierced, or enjoy giving tattoos or piercings. You use unusual objects as sex toys. In the bedroom, you're wild and untamed! Your motto is Hurts so good!

hello all! bah! i am so tired! i think its b/c its that time of the month...and, all day ive been having hot flashes (i was in the science wing, SWEATING & FANNING MYSELF!) i mean, thats pretty bad when i was hot in the science wing! anyway, im not gunna talk long b/c im bout to go to bed. i replied to roni's reply on my last entry, but my comp was gay & it didnt work....or maybe it did, i dont know, if its there, read it, but if its not, i cant remember wat i wanted to say....it had something to do with that movie she mentioned...and i said some thing to bree too...oh well, ill remember eventually! *hugs n kisses to roni*

*hugs to all*
PoOkA